Saturday, April 30, 2016

What am I apologizing for exactly? Alternative title: Dating in a 420 World

So,  I was more or less a girl in my 20s who partied and had fun. My motto was "you can sleep when you die". I lived for the moment. I smoked pot in college. Sure did. I drank when it was free (all the time in my frat party years). I then went on to enjoy some similar freedoms in my 20s.  I went out probably 3-5 times a week after an evening of retail work. We would stay out late, get back home and repeat..many nights. I slowed down as I went to nursing school. I knew things had to slow down as I was pursuing a professional degree. I continued to go out and have fun and muddled through graduate school. Fun.  But less and less so as the years went on.

Advance a few years, circa 1997-2000: I got a real grown up job. I became a RN. I gladly gave up the lifestyle of constant partying. I certainly gave up any drugs that were illegal at the time. Honestly,  I never looked back. I don't care for the smell of marijuana. It makes me feel nauseated. As it is a non-issue now, I could care less. I love good beer and cocktails, but after a bit of self-reflection, I felt maybe I partied too much; maybe my bad decisions were related to alcohol use. How would or could I know either way?  So I entered  Alcoholics Anonymous,  reluctantly at first. Then I admitted (falsely but unknowingly so) that I was an alcoholic. It was certainly not the truth as it turned out. I had NO issues with alcohol itself or any drugs (I have never used a drug other than marijuana, tobacco cigarettes or alcohol). I managed to work on some life style decisions/choices and changed my life around in those 9 + years of sobriety. Why did I stay in AA that long?  Totally a different post, or maybe a post series could be devoted to my AA years. I emerged from these years changed and knowing I was never ever an alcoholic.  I resumed mild/social alcohol use of alcohol, going out way less than I ever have in my life. I was a good 5-10 years into my nursing profession. I was doing well. I even quit smoking cigarettes in August 2012.

Advance to January, 2016: I started a major lifestyle overhaul. I changed my diet completely and with that came a prescribed stop to regular alcohol consumption. You know what, it was a bit different at first, but no big deal. It is now the end of April and I drink maybe 3-4 alcoholic beverages at the VERY most in a month. At the most. I haven't delved into the world of the "420 experience" in more than 20 years.  I am  happy. Except I am dating in a drinking/420 loving Colorado.

I am not kidding. There has got to be some responsible non-marijuana users and/or non-excessive alcohol consumers in the dating pool?  The past few have told me literally I am closed minded when it comes to marijuana. I had asked about his lifestyle, if it was 420 friendly or complete with heavy alcohol use as I can not have that in my life, professionally and personally. He felt he couldn't hang with such closed minded individuals who don't want that in their life or can't. Either way. I explained that perhaps he does not know me. Perhaps he may need to know I am not judging him or his lifestyle; I just know me and its not something I want to surround myself with. I said "perhaps you could stop being judgmental of those who don't partake in those activities as we  non users are not judging you". He did not like that at all.  Most of all, I felt like I needed to explain why I did not use marijuana or want to be around people who use chronically. I felt like I needed to apologize, but you see, I have this profession. And this healthy lifestyle I am trying to maintain.  That's on me....the whole apologizing for my lifestyle choices.  I get that. And as another alcohol related conversation occurred within about a week ago, I started to see this apology thing was a trend...something for me to think about for myself.

So, this past week after ending the conversation permanently with Mr. 420 (he was definitely not the first person  who was 420 friendly), I came across Mr. Heavy Drinker. At first he was Mr. French Speaker. I liked that guy a lot more. He and I texted in French/English depending on how I was able to express myself. A few days in, he texted that he was out having a drink or more. Specifically, he said something to the effect of "I am in Evergreen, drinking heavily :)".....I am thinking ":-)"?? So I texted back asking if he did this often. He stated "as often as I can" went downhill from there, as you could imagine. I told him we would probably not be a match as I don't drink much. He texted back that if I drank more I could broaden my horizons and lower stress. I said that I didn't think that would be necessary, then delved in to explain WHY I don't drink often or heavily. My brief party girl life and marriage to an alcoholic. My lifestyle overhaul in January.  He said that I would probably label him an alcoholic in my eyes. I explained I do not label anyone else. Even my ex was a self-proclaimed alcoholic.  More explaining of my justification for not drinking often or heavily.

So the take home message became clearly obvious  in my post right now: why am I feeling like I  have to justify NOT using any marijuana or NOT wanting that element in my life?  Why am I bothering to explain why I don't wish to drink often or heavily, for ANY reason?  Why do I have to explain my choices of why I don't choose to have heavy drinkers or 420 partakers in my personal life? Why did I feel I needed a prologue in this very post to explain why I don't wish to drink much or smoke/use marijuana in anyway?

We don't need to explain our life style to others. Period. We have every right to ask about what we allow to enter into our lives. We don't  need to judge it, but we have a right to know without having to justify/explain our choices. And you know what? I would guess that the majority of people don't care anyway.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!!

Sunday, April 24, 2016

PS: I cried

 I saw Purple Rain last night again and cried. I knew I would. Thank you again for your musical genius. They are playing Purple Rain in over 85 theaters around the nation.
I promise I will watch the other movie!

Your loving fan

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Sexy MF

To the one of the great musicians, Prince Rogers Nelson:

I recently read of your death on Thursday by lunch time. I was shocked.   So many people are mourning your death right now and for sure there's lots going on at First Avenue. The POTUS actually made a statement about you.

Thank you for being you. Your music from beginning to end changed me and I am so grateful for your insane amount of talent and your ability to share that unbridled talent with the world. You want to know what you and I had in common? How could a white Jewish young teen girl identify in any way, shape or form with you? Everything and nothing. I was young when you were just starting your stardom and making a name for yourself. I was blessed with the timing of your rise and starting to really pay attention to music back then. I had absolutely no friends, no social skills and no confidence. My parents were divorced and I had nothing to occupy my time, but music and TV. One night, I was at my father's house for the weekend and we all watched Purple Rain. I know that sounds so odd. That my father let us kids watch it and i was a young teen then. I loved it. It touched me.  Yes, it was a long time ago. Yes, I barely remember exactly the feelings. It was a general idea that this kid will survive and obtain greatness. I felt the rawness you had, the heart. Most of all, the talent.  Then you went on and continued on and showed more of your greatness.  I also remember that your 1999 album was one of my first albums ever. Back in a time that we only had albums!

I have got to hand it to you, your music made me realize that there is reward for uncensored raw talent; many didn't care for that. Especially Tipper Gore. I loved Darling Nikki and with that, you made the Filthy 15. Congrats!! Playing Erotic City on my college radio station resulted in a call from the station manager. Awesome! I was listening to your music and carefully to your lyrics with no sexual  experience at all.  I was a virgin for all those teen years. While  listening to your provocative lyrics and even your ballad Purple Rain...I experienced a sense of heart and soul and uncensored sexuality in music vicariously through your lyrics.  While your music initially shocked me, it  instantly shook me to the core. "You can do this? They can play this on the radio?"....Thank you for giving me the courage to play your music, regardless of the outcome. Being true to yourself, overcoming obstacles, and pushing all the limits. You had so much honesty and passion! Since I was certainly unpopular growing up, I never had an opportunity to see a concert....watching Purple Rain was my concert, or as close as I was going to get.

I'll admit it, I don't know all of your songs. I didn't know you knew how to play a large range of instruments until after your death.  I'll tell you though, with the music I do have in my possession, I am enjoying my favorites as well as listening to some I never took the time to listen to prior to your passing. I am listening to some of them now while I write you this letter.  I hope one day my writing will be half as honest and soulful as yours.

Rest In Peace you sexy MF,

A fan among millions

Sunday, April 17, 2016

The last 8

I have been on this diet since January 17, 2016.  I am using the Colorado Diet in the book State of Slim.  Such a dear friend turned me on to it and it has really changed my whole outlook on diet and exercise.  I have been doing pretty well and it seems I do better with more exercise. I lost 18.4 pounds at the end of 8 weeks (when they said I would lose 20 pounds). I was okay with that as I  cheated a few days. I am going to lose a total of 30 pounds by the end of  week 16. I am now beginning week 14 and I have 7 pounds to go! Three full weeks, 7 pounds, and a lot of determination. It will be hard as I have two indulgence meals planned! I have one huge obstacle: I hate treadmills and its currently wet and snowy.

I know I need to get over the whole inside gym adversity. I just hate the idea of walking in place going nowhere. I love walking in the outdoors and enjoying fresh air. What is wrong with that? It hinders my ambition....ugh!  I am hoping I can get 5-7 miles on Wednesday through Saturday! I have to realize this is so much progress from where I was on January 16. Let's see....what was my outlook pre-January 16?

I love food. I exercised when it was convenient. I did the bare minimum. When I did try to lower my carb intake, it was half assed. I admit it. I would justify anything. It's free, I can't turn it down, it's a holiday, I deserve to enjoy it. Donuts, cupcakes, pasta, Mexican food.... I had a bad or good day: I deserve this cocktail. I lost maybe 25 pounds in 6 months then gained it all back within a year. This time is different. Sounds lame. But it is so different and this is why.

I have lost 23 pounds in three months, not six months. The more important thing that makes this different is that this diet/exercise program has shown me true perspective on portion size, metabolism change, exercise habits and persistent and determination. I have gone from a size 12 to a size 10 and in some cases,  a size 8! I need at least ten items of clothes altered to fit the new me. I will never go back to the way I was. Not just the weight I was, but the way I saw all  food as necessary and viewed exercise as a necessary evil.  I now am MORE than satisfied with 4-6 oz of protein and a cup of pasta, whole grain, no less! I love my indulgence meals, don't get me wrong, but actually wanting to  get back to my new "normal" has been the best change of all. 

I blogged a few years ago about the difficulty with quitting cigarettes. At the time that was the hardest  lifestyle change to overcome. I have not had a puff of a cigarette since August 2012.  Not a puff. I couldn't imagine ever smoking again.

These are the two hardest things I have done to improve my physical health. If I can do this, so can YOU !!! 

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!!

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Me, my son...and you.

I thought I have seen quite a lot of scenarios in the Internet dating world. I had seen all sorts: polyamorous, open relationships, long distance,  (way) younger guys and cougar-dom,  whatever. I even came across a guy that wanted to look and not touch; that guy wanted a woman to travel to southern California about 1-3 times a month at his expense. The woman would be sexy and just sit for him while he did nothing, but perhaps contemplate the woman he could never attain. He stated he had a bad experience not being able to attain a woman on a beach when he was young. He felt invisible and undesired. He is now seeking that type woman to sit for him so he can relive the memory of rejection.

Yes, there is a woman for everyone out there. I guess. No judgment. This time it was different. That was intriguing, but I couldn't bring my self to respond to that man's requests to sit still for him.   What I am about to share with you is something new for me, even with that experience of sitting  pretty for someone who wants to feel rejected all over again.

I saw a cute guy online, POF to be exact. I even sent an email to see what would come back. He sent a message back pretty quickly.  Almost too quickly. He complimented my profile pictures. Probably didn't read the text at all. Nothing new. I just politely returned the message and asked how he was doing. He shoots back a message just as rapidly. "Are you open minded?".....Sometimes. He texts back that he wants someone open minded and does want to find someone to marry. I asked him what he had in mind as i am admittedly open minded about some things, not about others. Like drugs, excessive alcohol use, or criminal activity in past or present. Ever.  So he states that's fine because what he has in mind is a bit different.

I can not remember the exact words, but he said something like this: "I would like you to help my son. He was recently dumped by his girlfriend for not being able to please him. Would you show him everything about pleasing a woman? And you would be with me also. Not always at the same time. But sometimes. Sometimes just him. Sometimes just me and other times, both of us".

Whoa!! WTF? I was quite horrified just then. I had NEVER come across this in my life.  I honestly just wanted to hit the BLOCK button. Something, however, told me this could be a bloggable moment.  I would never consider this, not even for a nanosecond. As a bloggable moment, priceless. I pretended to be intrigued. So I engaged.

"Wow! I am intrigued! Tell me more. You said he is how old?' Jesus ...not a minor please.
"Oh he's 20 years old. See him in the picture?". Yeah. I did. He looks about 12.
He went on to explain how this would be totally worth it as they are so well-endowed. Oh My God. This is an OMG moment for sure. I am positive this qualifies.
"I am definitely you said you wanted to get married. How would that work with your son? This would all stop if  we got married, right? We should meet in person with your son to talk more." ....I intended to do nothing of the sort.
"Oh no. That would not stop at all. Its much more naughty when he's your step son". Holy shit. This had to be a joke. Or the "to catch a predator" people will be hunting me by the time I get ready for bed.  So 15 minutes go by with no response. I asked him if this was a  test or if he changed his mind. 10 minutes later he delete this profile and no record of any emails or any profile remains.

Ha! The joke could be on me. Or not. Hard to know. No one has been knocking down my door to raid my Internet history yet.

Be Careful Out There!!

Douchebag #2: The Shake-up

Ironically, these douchebags could not have come at a better time; back to back they came and snuck up on me, and perhaps, due to my most recent experience, I had way less tolerance for douchebaggery in my future. I met this person actually before my last text to Mr. Cairo. I had never met Mr. Cairo, so honestly, I felt it was perfectly acceptable to move forward.

I even got off the Internet long enough to meet this new guy in person, at a Meet-Up no less. One would think we had common interests. A love of France anyway.  The first night I met this guy, we shared an instant interest in France, Paris specifically. After my first meet up there, we went out for a late bite to eat and talked about general life (work, life, Paris) and we talked for two hours.  Good start, or so I thought.  We even made plans for the Meet-Up the next evening that was planned. We would go to a movie afterward. So after two glasses of wine, we went to the movies and discovered the wrong time was on the site. We went back to his house in the general Cherry Creek area.  On paper, this guy was stable and well situated (nice car, nice career, great real estate). On paper. I will tell you, by the time we were watching The Godfather, there were small annoyances, though no deal breakers. He kept telling me facts about the Godfather and informed me this was an epic film (Really?). He informed me of other facts that every self respecting film lover knows. When I got tired, I could not drive home that late with a few too many drinks (though I am sure that wine had already been metabolized and the beer at his place was not significant).  I spent the night and the next morning,  I left feeling in my gut this was a mistake. I had no clue how big of a mistake that was. He was critiquing me and it was somewhat annoying.  I am fine with constructive criticism, usually better if it is coming from someone who actually knows me. But whatever.  So we decided that we would do something that next weekend on Saturday.  Despite that gut feeling,  I went ahead and thought, maybe I am being too sensitive. Maybe  I am interrupting him too much when he told me that he is not done talking.  Well......

That next Saturday, I was in charge of bringing the wine. I decided to bring a nice red from Coppola's collection, specifically as an homage to our Godfather viewing the weekend before.  I got to his house on time and as he opened the wine, he educated me that Coppola actually directed The Godfather that we had just seen. No shit Sherlock. Jesus.  Did he merely think that was a coincidence? I said "yeah, that's why  I brought it". I guess I could not let that go!  So we ended up watching The Godfather in its totality and started Apocalypse Now. We didn't completely finish that, but with 1.5 long movies under our belts, I was quite sleepy.  What followed was fairly disappointing and not too impressive. I was really just wanting to sleep. The next morning,  I would end up receiving a lecture about cancer with a side of autism.  I had NO idea what was in store for me. I woke up with severe chest cold. Ugh, then I was unprepared for the lecture of a lifetime.

I have no clue who would think cancer and autism are appropriate topics for Sunday morning not even out of bed talk. So at 7:30 am, this man starts to talk about autism and cancer; it is all a blur now, so I can't remember the order. I can tell you this was in no way a conversation. A lecture maybe with a limited Q & A session after. Everyone is entitled to an opinion I get that. Though, I have to say most people don't have an "opinion" on what cancer actually is. That's typically agreed up on prior to a discussion on cause and treatment. According to the man, cancer is a lot of residue that just builds up. It builds up and you get cancer. Very simple. This explains why people who conduct lives that are not as healthy get cancer. We are not even talking about lung cancer causality with cigarette smoking and the like. We are talking about all the cancer "residue" that builds up and then you get cancer, usually based on lifestyle. However, "we" are not talking. He is. Only the man is talking. When I started to interject with something related to globally accepted fact about cancer, he reminded me to "not interrupt" while he is talking and I will "get an  opportunity when he is done". Hmmm. At 8am in the morning, no less. This goes on maybe 30-45 minutes.  Fascinating. Fascinating how someone is so convinced their opinion of cancer is fact. Though doesn't seem to be a fact accepted by any medical professional globally. It gets better. He has a "solution" for those with cancer. Lucky them.

He continues to lecture that the powerful solution  is in his mind. He has a cure for cancer (the residue, remember). That solution is a "shake up drink". It is "explosive". It will really disrupt all the residue and remove it from the body. Over a course of days, weeks or a month.  He does not have the details at this point or even the ingredients of the shake up drink, for that matter. But, the man will tell  you that it will work. He informed me in the latter part of this lecture series that 'those with cancer will need to know that this is explosive". No pain, no gain, he says. Not sure if they will be able to "handle it".  Seriously? Holy crap.  When he was done lecturing on the finer points of residue build up, lifestyle choices leading to cancer (from residue) and the shake up drink,  I was allowed to provide feedback. A rebuttal seemed like a more appropriate response.  Of course, I had to address the issues of lifestyles causing cancer. Sure smoking can lead to lung cancer, but this was not about that particular documented causality.

So I proceeded to ask him: What about the healthy people who get cancer? What do you think people with cancer deal with when they endure chemotherapy and radiation? No pain, no gain. I told him that's  ridiculous. I think most people battling cancer with chemo and radiation are familiar with hardships in treatment. I asked him if he understood that basic fact. Then what about the children with cancer? If this residue that accumulates to become cancer is a result of lifestyle choices, how are the children barely walking and still nursing and eating baby food getting cancer? From this residue that accumulates?

The man looked at me, formulating a response that made sense in his mind. Well, simply the residue is passed on from the child's  mom before birth. It is the mom's fault. Of course. Then of course,  I asked about the baby's cancer solution "the shake up formula"? He said "exactly". Then he started talking about autism. It is unaccepatable to have pregnant women travel on airplanes as that causes autism. Obviously.

So I ended this whole diatribe and said "I think I need to go now. I think we will need to agree to disagree on all this discussion."  He said "yes-for now". Wow. Okay.  My chest cold just got worse.

Later that week....
After losing a few days of work and a very greedy narcissistic telephone  convo with the man on Thursday that week,  I was not sure I wanted to see him again...I determined that while he stated he was the "most considerate man on the planet" with respect to my being sick, I suspected that was not quite the truth. Particularly when said my throat really hurt and he kept me on the phone more than an hour. Granted, I should have just told him I  needed to get off the phone and hang up. I get that. Loud and clear. At the end of this most painful conversation to date (until my last one with the man), he tells me he is "capable of killing" with absolutely no context other than us talking about our exes. Then he said it again. "I am capable of killing". I was quite uncomfortable and told him soon after, within minutes, that I really needed to get stuff done.  The next week, he called on Thursday and I had mustered up enough courage to break things off immediately upon answering the phone.

If only it was that easy. It should have been. I should have been able to say "I don't think we should hang out anymore" with a "ok. good luck" response. Instead i was asked to describe the reasons for my decision. One by one. Cancer. autism, being capable of killing. That really got him. He really let me have it. After saying he was "joking" about that last comment, I said  I didn't get the punchline.I told him I was not all clear on the hilarity of being capable of killing. Then he got very upset and went on a rant about a family tragedy and that if I wasn't comfortable  with that comment, I should have asked him more questions. Honestly, if someone is capable of killing, no more questions are needed. I am quite done. Quite. He then went to the other side of spectrum and said that that killing is no laughing matter and that I should have asked him why he said that. I told him that it was not likely that I felt the need to explore this comment on killing and that, an hour after the start of this conversation, I felt i was very done with this conversation.

"You are making a very big mistake. I only hope that when you realize that, you will be able to apologize to me".

Quite done.
That was my last conversation.
I really thought I was completely done with the creeps. I thought the douchebags were in my rear view mirror.
I was so wrong.
The next one creeped in  shortly after.
I guess douchebags, along with other bad things, happen in threes.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend all!