Friday, December 24, 2010

2011 Resolutions

Let's take a look at my 2010 resolutions, why don't we, and I will get back to you! I think I am lacking in some areas, but I have forever changed my life in other arenas. I will get back to you~ Have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Done...and Done..

I have successfully stopped smoking (after that 6 day relapse beginning with certain movers, certain medical appointments, certain professionals....)! This is getting really old. Seriously. Did you say you were done again, Alyssa?Yeah, seriously! I have a certain sense of looking back to last year when I quit on New Years Eve. Perhaps I should just do that?!Okay. That makes no sense. Why would I buy another pack for a week when I know I am done now? That is a masterful justification. Excellent work. I am seriously done. I can't risk that I won't be able to stop like I am now. There are times that I can just stop cold turkey and now is one of those times. So Done.

I am actually completely done with my Christmas shopping. Which is most fortunate as I am Jewish. I am so blessed that I have wonderful people to spend Christmas with! I am so blessed that I have a job to go to and a home to live in and a car to drive on Christmas. THAT INDEED is my holiday gift and I am so happy that I have a roof over my head and a bed to call my own! Four pillows that belong to me! Max has been amazing at adjusting.I am not sure if he loves that elevator too much, but I think he knows it delivers him to the outside and he DEFINITELY LOVES his walks. The fact that I have a roof over my head and a job to go to and retained Max as my permanent roommate is incredible! If I am not positive, things are going to start going in reverse. Its enough that I can't stop thinking about last year at this time, when we were in Key Largo, when I had just finished my open water SCUBA certification (see my December 2009 entries), when I met incredible people and Jeff and I talked about quitting smoking together, oops....crap. STOP! I just can't do it any more. I can't think about the past....because then I would have the incorrect notion that this Christmas will never be the same. It will NEVER be the same. That much is true. It will have to be different. Different it is!

Done... and Done.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I hate smoking...really I do!

Which is why this long weekend of a few cigarettes has come to an end. I did not smoke any till the night before my stuff FINALLY came. There was a pile of other stressors, and this never stopped me from seeking more spiritual answers. Why now? Did I give myself permission to relax my stance, my recovery from the nasty call of nicotine? Who knows? Who cares? I am done now. Yeah, yeah....we heard that before Alyssa! SO really, how long this time? Well, I am doing the best I can.

Well, maybe not the BEST I can, but under the circumstances, I think I am doing pretty damn well. Thank you very much. Just putting a dose of honesty out there.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

High risk behavior: Coach, Crate and Barrel, Camel cigarettes...oh my!

What classically would go in this category? Smoking, drinking, obsessively shopping, men, gambling ....And the list goes on ad finitum. I'm talking about me, but, really, am I also speaking in behalf of anyone who just wants that tried and true warm and fuzzy feeling?

Addictions come in many different forms and I know I have argued with people that they can all be harmful. So yes, that crack I DID NOT do last weekend isn't going to give me a heart attack, but if I just spend $1200 in a new wardrobe and no home to put it in (since I don't have rent anymore), well, there's no harm in that, right? I mean, smoking cigarettes is much better than smoking some heroin, right? Speak up junkies! Speak up! Speak up junkies everywhere that keep telling me that quitting cigarettes was harder than heroin. My point is simply this: scary street drugs and scary street people who have lost everything present the whole "high risk" behavior very nicely and neatly. I find it terrifying that high risk behavior is so much more obscure and difficult when you can make it as pretty as you want: hot guys, Camel no. 9(pink) smokes, darling clothes and countless Coach & a kitchen full of needless Crate and Barrel accessories, and really where are you now? Seriously, high risk behavior can look gorgeous. If looks could kill....

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Catching up...I swear!

It's been more than a month since I started working and a puff here and there maybe, but I have not smoked a FULL cigarette of my own since before October 25. What with everything going on, I would have to say "that's pretty freaking cool". Does this mean I reserve the right to light up after I leave the Starbucks where I am writing this post. As Mr. Big would say, "abso-fucking-lutely". Will I? I sure hope not.

I have to say the best part of my life is getting back into a routine and doing the things I love to do. With that being said, I have started to watch episodes from my master collection of Sex and the City DVDS from the very beginning and started crying at every other one. I felt I was right there with Carrie. Now, please, I know this sounds trite and contrived and just super-over-the-top-frivolous that I am using Sex and the City for my therapy, but why don't you start falling in love with Mr. Big with your close friends all around when it completely falls apart and explodes and see what happens?! And then get honest with your self. And after that, see if you have shed a tear or see if your eyes are a bit moist. If they aren't, I beg of you to go shopping and get a soul. I thought I made a Faustian deal, but it turns out that even though I may have, I am trying to get my soul back. And for that, I got to cry. I consider that a blessing.

I love Carrie Bradshaw. I swear, if I could have had a cosmopolitan after work decompressing with my episodes, I would have whipped up a pitcher and watched and cried till I fell asleep. I think I will start a blog on starting over and my articles will be much like hers. With a twist of spirituality and shopping (Can you mix the same in one post?Is that allowed?I suppose it's all about creative license!).