I actually wrote this in parts. I wrote some of it during the move and some after the move. I only edited for clarity(if you can call it that) and spelling to the best of my ability!
It’s really obvious I can’t stand the work of moving and getting our house packed. I am not trying to be selfish. I am not trying to get anything material and just hang out here and eat at restaurants. I can’t stand this haunted house. I can’t stand moving stuff from one house to another. I have done my best to let go of about 100 books (and we know I love books) and 100 more trivial items of unimportance. I have done my best to leave things alone that don’t belong to me when I would rather burn them in a big bonfire (certain photos, certain checkbooks, certain books that don’t belong to either Jeff or me). I will let Jeff inherit the headache I have lived with when he comes for a very short stay.
The only reason I wanted to come to Colorado is to see my friends and the fellowship at AA. That’s not altogether true, I confess. I knew that there was going to have to be a highly organized approach to the move and the disposal of unneeded items. I knew that I was going to have to get as much as I could get done every day and fit in friends and get together around the move and around the BMW, which happens to be a very self absorbed car if I may say so myself. I have gotten some closure, but not in the way that I thought I would. The people I thought I would get to talk to more I haven’t really talked to. Certain people are so distant now, it really does not matter. Some never change. The people I knew I would get to talk to more have been there and I am blessed to know they are not going to just discard me when I am in Florida.
It’s so different than moving from Maryland. I had my family, which was hard enough, but I didn't have friends I was leaving. Just family and at 22 I was in a hurry to start an adventure. Here I have a completely different family, my friends. I had no friends really in Maryland, except several (if that) high school friends. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that I have been here for 17 years (it would be 18 years this Independence Day). That’s almost half my life. I moved to Colorado in 1992 with Bill. I lived on my own since 1995. I lived with two guys VERY temporarily and under very bad circumstances (lost jobs and the like) for less than several months. Other than those undesirable aberrations, I have been independently living in Denver as a single woman from 1995 to 2009. I have made friends before sobriety and since sobriety. It is so interesting that there is ONLY ONE friend that really still has kept in contact with me from back in Pennsylvania through the years in Colorado, though there were some absent years for whatever reason (and I really don’t care why);she knew me in college and in Colorado and did not reunite with me just because of Face book. We went to the Deadbeat Club on Thursdays and we both dated a Bill at one time. We listened to the Cure and other music we had in common and muddled through unreliable cars. Then she married her Bill and had a couple of kids while I was still out there dancing around and doing a lot of experimental living for the rest of the decade (90's).
I met a lot of people during my sobriety, some who really back stabbed me and some who stood by me and were very patient (some people at work as well as those in AA). I had the good fortune to become involved in a book club primarily with work friends. I don’t think I could have joined if my sobriety was not stable, so because of working on my sobriety in AA, I got to meet non alcoholic friends as well. Isn’t that ironic!! I am going to miss them a ton and I can’t wait to celebrate my last in-Denver get together this Saturday night. Finally, we get together without the ruse of meeting for some book discussion. I am going to miss that group and they should be glad for their wine collection that I never drank with them. I think the only one from the RMPC that I drank with never really was friendly with those book club people anyway! Thank God!And I couldn't forget Brandi at work, even though neither of us are there any longer.
Then there is my AA family. I really don’t know what to say. There are a bunch of people that fall into the following category: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all”. Then there are people that fall under the category of “if you have four friends like these, you are one of the lucky human beings on this planet”. I am blessed that I can name people in the second category. Remember, I am not naming anyone in the first category! But I bet you wish I would, you petty thing! I am not, however. So there! For those people I have been blessed to meet, I don’t want to leave Denver. I have this fear that I will never ever meet anyone in AA, in life, on this planet quite like the small handful of people I have met in Denver (AA or non-AA). I never had the social skills, in high school perhaps, to meet and maintain good friends throughout. So maybe I am making up for lost time. Maybe these friends with the exception of the one I mentioned above came at a time when I was capable of being a friend to them.
Like I said, I consider myself one of the lucky people on this planet. I can’t thank you enough, people of Denver, for making this such an awesome place to spend two decades of my life. I am going to name some people that had a positive significant impact on my life in Denver and I am only naming positive people that I have had repeated (read: too many late nights talking to start counting) beneficial interactions with, because really the list could go on ad infinitum. Due to anonymity, I am going to name only first names and specific references: Bill, Diane, a specific RN at OBHS, Brandi, Shireen, Vickie, Kim J, Bryan, Sarah F, Mark S, the guy who bought me to DHMC on my last night of drinking (I know his name but keeping this anonymous), Heidi, and every single sponsee I have ever had the pleasure of working with. There are a few others that I absolutely am not certain what I will do when I leave Denver other than hold them hostage in Florida. Just kidding. Kind of. I have made so many mistakes and have had so many experimental blunders in Denver. It turns out I had an experimental life. I turned it in and exchanged it for a spiritual one.
It’s obvious the death of distance had made 21rst century friendships more plausible across area codes; God knows, it has worked for me and Brandi and foreign land is only several hours away if I want to hang out with Heidi (and did so). The problem is the frequency of intimate conversations, just kicking it on the sofa watching Sopranos or Intervention, is minimized or even dissolved unless a sincere effort is made on both sides. Sarah and Steve are two people that I am going to miss so much. And guess what, in the beginning, the birth of these friendships, neither is one that I gave much mind to. Can you believe that insanity?
I met Steve at a time when I was not talking to ANY guy that I did not meet in my first year or so and was established friends with (like Mark S. or Bryan). I had apparently snubbed Steve a few times, not really talking to him outside meetings and did not really give him the time of day. I am pretty sure he thought I was a bitch. Then, at a particular 4th of July party in 2005 (yes, Steve? 2005?), I started talking to him mostly because he seemed harmless and didn’t try to talk to me. Give it up, I am no intrigue addict. Anyway, Steve and I started talking that night. I realized he would be more of a big brother kind of guy and for whatever reason, would remain platonic. I think that not talking to guys for a long time really helped me here. I really scored big, more than I would EVER know till now, by discarding my old behavior for an exceptionally valuable friend. I don’t know where to start with Steve, but I don’t think I have to start. I know he’s going to be around for a long time. I can’t explain how this friendship persisted because I know I have had my selfish and self-absorbed times. What I know about now and what I learned as a result of befriending Steve after a year or two of sobriety is that NOT every guy has to be my boyfriend and I can stay as loyal and true to my friends. That’s really I think the success there. When I mean loyal and true, these are important virtues to both of us. I am going to see more of Steve, maybe in Florida. I definitely hope I haven’t seen the last of Steve.
Now, as far as Sarah. Wow! What can I say about a best friend that has one of the biggest hearts of any human being that I could have ever come in contact with in one lifetime? I am not even going into detail about how we ended up being friends. My friends know by now. I would not even have the opportunity of having this woman in my life if it wasn’t for her over sized heart. Of all the years I have had in Denver, I did not even get to meet her until 2006. I don’t have time or space to even qualify this woman as my kindred spirit. There is no space here to describe how kind she has been when I have had a trillion emergencies. I just can’t go into it here. There are just not enough words. I have the worst confession. I wasn’t sure if she would want to move on and find another best friend. I didn’t have the faith. I knew I wasn’t going to even want to find another best friend. Then she told me she wasn’t going to even try to replace me. I felt awful that I thought she might. That I didn’t believe in her level of friendship. Is that awful? I wish she would move to Florida. I really don’t even know if I can go without her. I hope she knows that by now. Especially, since she has my furry sex and the city coat.
I love you Denver!
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