What am I apologizing for exactly? Alternative title: Dating in a 420 World

So,  I was more or less a girl in my 20s who partied and had fun. My motto was "you can sleep when you die". I lived for the moment. I smoked pot in college. Sure did. I drank when it was free (all the time in my frat party years). I then went on to enjoy some similar freedoms in my 20s.  I went out probably 3-5 times a week after an evening of retail work. We would stay out late, get back home and repeat..many nights. I slowed down as I went to nursing school. I knew things had to slow down as I was pursuing a professional degree. I continued to go out and have fun and muddled through graduate school. Fun.  But less and less so as the years went on.

Advance a few years, circa 1997-2000: I got a real grown up job. I became a RN. I gladly gave up the lifestyle of constant partying. I certainly gave up any drugs that were illegal at the time. Honestly,  I never looked back. I don't care for the smell of marijuana. It makes me feel nauseated. As it is a non-issue now, I could care less. I love good beer and cocktails, but after a bit of self-reflection, I felt maybe I partied too much; maybe my bad decisions were related to alcohol use. How would or could I know either way?  So I entered  Alcoholics Anonymous,  reluctantly at first. Then I admitted (falsely but unknowingly so) that I was an alcoholic. It was certainly not the truth as it turned out. I had NO issues with alcohol itself or any drugs (I have never used a drug other than marijuana, tobacco cigarettes or alcohol). I managed to work on some life style decisions/choices and changed my life around in those 9 + years of sobriety. Why did I stay in AA that long?  Totally a different post, or maybe a post series could be devoted to my AA years. I emerged from these years changed and knowing I was never ever an alcoholic.  I resumed mild/social alcohol use of alcohol, going out way less than I ever have in my life. I was a good 5-10 years into my nursing profession. I was doing well. I even quit smoking cigarettes in August 2012.

Advance to January, 2016: I started a major lifestyle overhaul. I changed my diet completely and with that came a prescribed stop to regular alcohol consumption. You know what, it was a bit different at first, but no big deal. It is now the end of April and I drink maybe 3-4 alcoholic beverages at the VERY most in a month. At the most. I haven't delved into the world of the "420 experience" in more than 20 years.  I am  happy. Except I am dating in a drinking/420 loving Colorado.


I am not kidding. There has got to be some responsible non-marijuana users and/or non-excessive alcohol consumers in the dating pool?  The past few have told me literally I am closed minded when it comes to marijuana. I had asked about his lifestyle, if it was 420 friendly or complete with heavy alcohol use as I can not have that in my life, professionally and personally. He felt he couldn't hang with such closed minded individuals who don't want that in their life or can't. Either way. I explained that perhaps he does not know me. Perhaps he may need to know I am not judging him or his lifestyle; I just know me and its not something I want to surround myself with. I said "perhaps you could stop being judgmental of those who don't partake in those activities as we  non users are not judging you". He did not like that at all.  Most of all, I felt like I needed to explain why I did not use marijuana or want to be around people who use chronically. I felt like I needed to apologize, but you see, I have this profession. And this healthy lifestyle I am trying to maintain.  That's on me....the whole apologizing for my lifestyle choices.  I get that. And as another alcohol related conversation occurred within about a week ago, I started to see this apology thing was a trend...something for me to think about for myself.

So, this past week after ending the conversation permanently with Mr. 420 (he was definitely not the first person  who was 420 friendly), I came across Mr. Heavy Drinker. At first he was Mr. French Speaker. I liked that guy a lot more. He and I texted in French/English depending on how I was able to express myself. A few days in, he texted that he was out having a drink or more. Specifically, he said something to the effect of "I am in Evergreen, drinking heavily :)".....I am thinking ":-)"?? So I texted back asking if he did this often. He stated "as often as I can"....it went downhill from there, as you could imagine. I told him we would probably not be a match as I don't drink much. He texted back that if I drank more I could broaden my horizons and lower stress. I said that I didn't think that would be necessary, then delved in to explain WHY I don't drink often or heavily. My brief party girl life and marriage to an alcoholic. My lifestyle overhaul in January.  He said that I would probably label him an alcoholic in my eyes. I explained I do not label anyone else. Even my ex was a self-proclaimed alcoholic.  More explaining of my justification for not drinking often or heavily.


So the take home message became clearly obvious  in my post right now: why am I feeling like I  have to justify NOT using any marijuana or NOT wanting that element in my life?  Why am I bothering to explain why I don't wish to drink often or heavily, for ANY reason?  Why do I have to explain my choices of why I don't choose to have heavy drinkers or 420 partakers in my personal life? Why did I feel I needed a prologue in this very post to explain why I don't wish to drink much or smoke/use marijuana in anyway?


We don't need to explain our life style to others. Period. We have every right to ask about what we allow to enter into our lives. We don't  need to judge it, but we have a right to know without having to justify/explain our choices. And you know what? I would guess that the majority of people don't care anyway.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend!!

A Vision For You in 2010

So, its Wednesday and I promised myself and Jeff that I would have "AA Comes of Age" read by the time the convention starts. I am on page 70 and there are 300 pages in the basic text (not including appendices, etc). No problem! It is actually very intriguing, though I doubt it would make anyone's summer reading list and I wouldn't really rate it as much of a beach read. Technically, it's hardback and I don't want to ruin it when I go to the beach, so it stays at home! I am still enjoying the book.

I am headed to Texas for the 2010 International AA Conference Monday and we will be at a pretty nice little Hyatt for a week! I can not believe we really went ahead with this. There will be so much to do there and so many people to meet. One of the cool things Jeff wanted to do was to create pins that we could trade and maybe sell to others. We created several pins together (Colorado, Florida, and Texas) and there is one that Jeff created on his own to commemorate Dr Silkworth's contributions to the field. He was definitely ahead of his time. I know we are getting ready to mostly trade the Florida pins and mostly sell the others, but if you are curious, let me know as I can try to put up other photos of the pins. I only have one photo as he sent it to me when the Texas pins arrived and I was visiting in Colorado as you can see above.

Like I said, we leave Monday, though I don't think the convention begins officially til July 1. We have our badges and in pure AA fashion, they got part of it absolutely correct: Jeff is from Englewood, FL and I am from...Golden, CO. Hmmmm...I wish I still had my Colorado pins. I guess that's just how it is; I don't care tremendously! I just am excited to be a part of this hugely magical time.

I do feel kind of bad that there will be 90,000 convention goers spending Fourth of July in your town as you were kind enough to host us and we won't be drinking any of your alcohol...oops, but I kinda think you knew what you were getting into San Antonio!!

PEACE AND SERENITY!!

Well, it took me a while: the rest of Key Largo

So, there are many things I enjoyed about Key Largo. I had an interesting time at RUSK. I liked some of the people I met there, but recovery in some respects, really concerned me there. People do not take meetings as seriously as I would have hoped. While they are on Key Largo time, some newcomers may need a meeting and are desperately trying to get there in time for a meeting. Oh, but where are the trusted servants?Oh, yeah, they are over there, gabbing, catching up, whatever. Hmmm, who is in the meeting room starting a meeting to best help the newcomer on a timely basis? Not many people. But some of the people proved to be very friendly and I am grateful for them. I am not the type of person to socialize with just anyone. I am MUCH more likely to observe some one's integrity when it comes to her program of recovery.

Some of the meetings mystified me: people started using other words and substituting words in the first step, suggesting to others that maybe others should consider a new reading on the first step. For example, someone suggested using the word "unbearable" instead of "unmanageable". Poor baby! Take some freaking responsibility and accountability for what your powerlessness did and TAKE the first step the way it was written! Then this suggestion and false message of pathetic unbearability transcended several meetings! Yikes! Scary! I did with some aggravation, I will admit, set the message straight. Fortunately, by this time, I met a woman early in recovery to help with the steps and pass on the actual message of AA, as it is found in the Big Book. I am so grateful I had the opportunity to help this young woman. This is how I stay sober!

In spite of my previous post, I had a really relaxing time in Key Largo; after all, I accomplished my PADI open water certification and my New Years resolution to stop smoking. While I can't say that first week or two of not smoking were relaxing, the freedom from smoking was extremely rewarding. In Key Largo, I met someone with whom I baked a lot (gingerbread cookies and cupcakes and more). We even made a wonderfully tasty dinner and over the course of 3-4 weeks watched several movies, genres evenly divided between alcoholic and chick flick! It was a lot of fun. This same woman offered Jeff and me the use of her boat. Along with her (soon to be ex) husband, Jeff and I went out to Molasses Reef to snorkel on New Years Eve. While there were too many jelly fish for me and the motion of the boat on the waves made me ill (literally, I provided fish food to the lucky ones on the reef), I had a great deal of fun. Any idea Jeff and I EVER had of owning any kind of boat was quickly put to bed when I told Jeff "there is NO fucking way I will ever live on a boat". Yep, that's what I said and that pretty much sums it up. Don't worry, I will still be able to go on dive boats and all that, but LIVING on a boat....well, I think I have given up that ghost.

I spent the last 2-3 weeks helping the (somewhat) newcomer get through the beginning steps, baking an awful lot, visiting Mrs Macs more than ever, and taking care of my "high maintenance" needs like hair cuts, waxing, and a pedicure! Mrs Macs is worthy of much more than a mention.

We first went to Mrs Macs on a whim to satisfy a recommendation from a woman I spoke with at the dog park on Tybee Island, Georgia. Jeff and I enjoyed this restaurant and I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone. So, remember, my tastes are specific: I loved their special sauce dressing, their cottage fries, and this pita sandwich they made. Granted I asked for it with out a few items, the pita sandwich with turkey breast was awesome. The servers (all female that I had) were friendly and one in particular was lots of fun and friendly with everyone; her name is Sarah and she was very familiar with Chandler's Ford in England where I first started my partying career as she, herself, lived not far from this little town near Southampton. The desserts were tasty as well! Jeff enjoyed the fish basket and other seafood meals. If and when we return to Key Largo, we are definitely spending some time at Mrs. Mac's.

There were a few other restaurants that I went to, but I only went to them a small handful of times. There was the Pilot House, DJ's Diner, Harriette's(spelling?) and they were fun, but they were not places I would probably choose to be a regular. I come back to Mrs. Macs because they remember I am the one with the unsweetened tea and the malt vinegar on the fries. I am going to keep coming back. See you next time Sarah and the gang at Mrs Macs!

Holiday season in the RV

We are having a beautiful (and warm) time on Key Largo! We can't believe we are enjoying 75 degree weather at the end of December. We have met some really great people on Key Largo and I really could see living here. We have had such an amazing time with the weather and biking all around and allowing me the experience to learn diving and pick out snorkeling equipment that we made a joint decision to not exchange presents. We are just enjoying the simple pleasures of new experiences, friends, and baking skills. Gingerbread hearts can get pretty creative, I have learned.

We have been making new connections and establishing opportunities to provide service within the AA community, such as the alcothon at the RUSK club. Apparently everyone here knows the RUSK club, even TA (The Scuba Instructor). I am about to take off on my blue and white cherished Huffy to close the Christmas Day alcothon.

Well, back to the whole "holiday thing": so, Jeff, feeling festive, bought stockings and Santa hats. I bought him a card and put my mother's Chanukah gelt in his stocking. Considering we are giving no gifts, I wanted the bare minimum and that's what I did! That's not what Jeff did. He had to go and be all sneaky & stuff. Into my stocking went lots of candy and a card. Lots MORE candy than he got! Why did he have to be so sweet? Then today when I went to a meeting, he went and refilled my stocking. He told me to go look because he saw that there may be something still in there. WHAT???!! There was more in my stocking. So much for the joint decision made as a married couple. And they were wrapped! I opened two precious photos, in frames and everything. Max and our three dogs were in the photos respectively! I love you Jeff!

One more holiday and we will be into 2010. Our last unofficial holiday is our first wedding anniversary and that happens January 13, 2010, two days before we leave this RV site in Key Largo.

Character defect for the day: Condescending stance or "how I need to be right and show it...daily"

This defect has contaminated my spiritual progress since my spiritual progress was in its infancy. It's the need to be right and the need to make sure everyone knows I am right, at the expense of someone's self esteem. Why do I feel the need to correct EVERYONE about EVERYTHING they DON'T KNOW ANYTHING about (at least in my, obviously not so humble, opinion). The RV neighbor lady next to me invited us out to dinner on her and her husband's last night on Tybee Island. The RV neighbor had already started to annoy me a few days ago (the one who told me about the annabella houses outside Savannah but not in the city...huh?"you know the annabella houses in the south?" she explains. My condescension began there and I just had to verbalize and "educate": "Oh you mean the antebellum homes?" I clarified. She knows and replied:"yeah...the annabella houses".

In spite of my annoyances, Jeff and I agreed to have dinner with our RV neighbors, and went to Charly's. I didn't share with him my converstation about the annabella houses of the south (on RV neighbor's drive to Kroger's with me). After ordering food, she and I stepped out for a cigarette (because I needed it, and I know, oh I know, how spiritual that is). She kept on telling me I was pretty. I said thank you (because I have learned how to accept a compliment gracefully). Then she started in (after the one compliment): She first told me I am hyper. Wow...she is so insightful. I told her while I did actually use that to my advantage in my career, I have become more able to slow down and relax. To this she says "oh..you were WORSE than this...holy shit!?"...okay...I am learning to bite my tongue. My sponsor would be so happy (until we settled down for the main course, then I just spiritually decompensated). Still outside, she persisted with personal inquisition about my family life. And this is her business why?? I didn't ask about her family. I should have been politely curious. I was not. Then she tells me again, " you are so pretty...Jeff better shape up and get it together...he probably doesn't appreciate a girl like you" HUH?? I must have verbalized, "huh?". She explained, "Oh, he looks like he just walked out of bed with that get up". Oh MY God, I was going to kill her. Really. Truly. I had to interject. You know, on Jeff's behalf. Not at all because I was right and she was wrong. NOT.AT.ALL!! "Soo, actually, he looks very nice and clean...he was working in the RV a lot of today and cleaned up quite nicely as he always does!" Good job wifey, I thought. "Duh!" she remarked. "What?" I did not quite believe my ears. Because, really, I didn't know how 'duh' fit in the context of the conversation. "you know, duh, like yeah right. He wasn't doing anything...I didn't see him all day". Ummm yeah, "Like I said, he was working IN the RV all day; you wouldn't have seen him till he came outside to work on the roof and all". "Oh I see, he was working inside. Okay". Yes. Like I said before. Oh.Holy.HigherPower. Where art thou??????? I had to go inside and join Jeff. Then the fun stuff begins.

At dinner she kept telling us how upscale it was and all. So I dressed up (it was nice to dress up considering I live in shorts and flip flops daily). I dressed up to watch her get drunk and swear non stop at the "up scale" restaurant. "I want to bitch about the tires. I want to bitch about our bad tires. I want to bitch about the bad tires. I want to bitch about the tires". Yeah...I get it..you want to bitch about those damn tires. Seriously, she goes on: "They don't give a shit we have bad tires". Yeah? Really? Then we move on to talk about a boat time-share situation, which she had no solid understanding. "I wouldn't trust anyone to abuse our boat". Well, I tried to explain, "you wouldn't have to worry about that because you wouldn't fully own the boat...it's not YOUR boat per se". To which she responded, "so if someone takes OUR new boat out and ruins/breaks it, then what. I don't want to rent out our boat if anyone can take it." IT'S.NOT.YOUR.BOAT. So in case she wasn't sure about the time share issue, I said "it's like a vacation time share and you only use a portion of it". To which she says "well, duh...I know about that kind of timeshare, but if I had a timeshare boat that was new, it could just break down in the middle of the .....(ocean/water)...If we have a new boat for just me and [husband's name] that wouldn't happen". AAAAAAAAAAARRGH.... and here is my next and last condescending comment of the night: " Sooo kind of like your RV?" I referenced their new RV-NOT a timeshare RV...just for them, the one with the bad tires and a questionable quality of their transmission and hot water heater. ARggh...I know I wayyy over stepped my bounds...Jeff rescued me at some point (from coming off as a completely cold-hearted, intellectually snobby bitch), thankfully.

The dinner finally came to an end and I had not broken any of the TEN commandments, 'specially the one with the word 'kill". Cool. Deep breath and long walk to the AA meeting. Oh and thank GOD for that. I didn't tell Jeff about the outside/smoking convo (I guess he will read it here if he reads this blog), but he explained that I was condescending, but only when I asked...because he is wayyy more spiritually advanced.
YAY for AA and other recovering alcoholics to talk things over with.

So I ask myself: Why and what is even my purpose in "teaching" her about time share boats and "proving" my point and giving her vocab lessons about the estates in the Confederate states?! Oh I don't know...to make myself feel better and smarter. I am pretty sure that worked for a while, but now it just makes me feel nasty and I realized this after this dinner. And that is spiritual progress.

Peace and serenity to all...