What am I apologizing for exactly? Alternative title: Dating in a 420 World

So,  I was more or less a girl in my 20s who partied and had fun. My motto was "you can sleep when you die". I lived for the moment. I smoked pot in college. Sure did. I drank when it was free (all the time in my frat party years). I then went on to enjoy some similar freedoms in my 20s.  I went out probably 3-5 times a week after an evening of retail work. We would stay out late, get back home and repeat..many nights. I slowed down as I went to nursing school. I knew things had to slow down as I was pursuing a professional degree. I continued to go out and have fun and muddled through graduate school. Fun.  But less and less so as the years went on.

Advance a few years, circa 1997-2000: I got a real grown up job. I became a RN. I gladly gave up the lifestyle of constant partying. I certainly gave up any drugs that were illegal at the time. Honestly,  I never looked back. I don't care for the smell of marijuana. It makes me feel nauseated. As it is a non-issue now, I could care less. I love good beer and cocktails, but after a bit of self-reflection, I felt maybe I partied too much; maybe my bad decisions were related to alcohol use. How would or could I know either way?  So I entered  Alcoholics Anonymous,  reluctantly at first. Then I admitted (falsely but unknowingly so) that I was an alcoholic. It was certainly not the truth as it turned out. I had NO issues with alcohol itself or any drugs (I have never used a drug other than marijuana, tobacco cigarettes or alcohol). I managed to work on some life style decisions/choices and changed my life around in those 9 + years of sobriety. Why did I stay in AA that long?  Totally a different post, or maybe a post series could be devoted to my AA years. I emerged from these years changed and knowing I was never ever an alcoholic.  I resumed mild/social alcohol use of alcohol, going out way less than I ever have in my life. I was a good 5-10 years into my nursing profession. I was doing well. I even quit smoking cigarettes in August 2012.

Advance to January, 2016: I started a major lifestyle overhaul. I changed my diet completely and with that came a prescribed stop to regular alcohol consumption. You know what, it was a bit different at first, but no big deal. It is now the end of April and I drink maybe 3-4 alcoholic beverages at the VERY most in a month. At the most. I haven't delved into the world of the "420 experience" in more than 20 years.  I am  happy. Except I am dating in a drinking/420 loving Colorado.


I am not kidding. There has got to be some responsible non-marijuana users and/or non-excessive alcohol consumers in the dating pool?  The past few have told me literally I am closed minded when it comes to marijuana. I had asked about his lifestyle, if it was 420 friendly or complete with heavy alcohol use as I can not have that in my life, professionally and personally. He felt he couldn't hang with such closed minded individuals who don't want that in their life or can't. Either way. I explained that perhaps he does not know me. Perhaps he may need to know I am not judging him or his lifestyle; I just know me and its not something I want to surround myself with. I said "perhaps you could stop being judgmental of those who don't partake in those activities as we  non users are not judging you". He did not like that at all.  Most of all, I felt like I needed to explain why I did not use marijuana or want to be around people who use chronically. I felt like I needed to apologize, but you see, I have this profession. And this healthy lifestyle I am trying to maintain.  That's on me....the whole apologizing for my lifestyle choices.  I get that. And as another alcohol related conversation occurred within about a week ago, I started to see this apology thing was a trend...something for me to think about for myself.

So, this past week after ending the conversation permanently with Mr. 420 (he was definitely not the first person  who was 420 friendly), I came across Mr. Heavy Drinker. At first he was Mr. French Speaker. I liked that guy a lot more. He and I texted in French/English depending on how I was able to express myself. A few days in, he texted that he was out having a drink or more. Specifically, he said something to the effect of "I am in Evergreen, drinking heavily :)".....I am thinking ":-)"?? So I texted back asking if he did this often. He stated "as often as I can"....it went downhill from there, as you could imagine. I told him we would probably not be a match as I don't drink much. He texted back that if I drank more I could broaden my horizons and lower stress. I said that I didn't think that would be necessary, then delved in to explain WHY I don't drink often or heavily. My brief party girl life and marriage to an alcoholic. My lifestyle overhaul in January.  He said that I would probably label him an alcoholic in my eyes. I explained I do not label anyone else. Even my ex was a self-proclaimed alcoholic.  More explaining of my justification for not drinking often or heavily.


So the take home message became clearly obvious  in my post right now: why am I feeling like I  have to justify NOT using any marijuana or NOT wanting that element in my life?  Why am I bothering to explain why I don't wish to drink often or heavily, for ANY reason?  Why do I have to explain my choices of why I don't choose to have heavy drinkers or 420 partakers in my personal life? Why did I feel I needed a prologue in this very post to explain why I don't wish to drink much or smoke/use marijuana in anyway?


We don't need to explain our life style to others. Period. We have every right to ask about what we allow to enter into our lives. We don't  need to judge it, but we have a right to know without having to justify/explain our choices. And you know what? I would guess that the majority of people don't care anyway.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend!!

Me, my son...and you.

I thought I have seen quite a lot of scenarios in the Internet dating world. I had seen all sorts: polyamorous, open relationships, long distance,  (way) younger guys and cougar-dom,  whatever. I even came across a guy that wanted to look and not touch; that guy wanted a woman to travel to southern California about 1-3 times a month at his expense. The woman would be sexy and just sit for him while he did nothing, but perhaps contemplate the woman he could never attain. He stated he had a bad experience not being able to attain a woman on a beach when he was young. He felt invisible and undesired. He is now seeking that type woman to sit for him so he can relive the memory of rejection.

Yes, there is a woman for everyone out there. I guess. No judgment. This time it was different. That was intriguing, but I couldn't bring my self to respond to that man's requests to sit still for him.   What I am about to share with you is something new for me, even with that experience of sitting  pretty for someone who wants to feel rejected all over again.

I saw a cute guy online, POF to be exact. I even sent an email to see what would come back. He sent a message back pretty quickly.  Almost too quickly. He complimented my profile pictures. Probably didn't read the text at all. Nothing new. I just politely returned the message and asked how he was doing. He shoots back a message just as rapidly. "Are you open minded?".....Sometimes. He texts back that he wants someone open minded and does want to find someone to marry. I asked him what he had in mind as i am admittedly open minded about some things, not about others. Like drugs, excessive alcohol use, or criminal activity in past or present. Ever.  So he states that's fine because what he has in mind is a bit different.

I can not remember the exact words, but he said something like this: "I would like you to help my son. He was recently dumped by his girlfriend for not being able to please him. Would you show him everything about pleasing a woman? And you would be with me also. Not always at the same time. But sometimes. Sometimes just him. Sometimes just me and other times, both of us".


Whoa!! WTF? I was quite horrified just then. I had NEVER come across this in my life.  I honestly just wanted to hit the BLOCK button. Something, however, told me this could be a bloggable moment.  I would never consider this, not even for a nanosecond. As a bloggable moment, priceless. I pretended to be intrigued. So I engaged.

"Wow! I am intrigued! Tell me more. You said he is how old?' Jesus ...not a minor please.
"Oh he's 20 years old. See him in the picture?". Yeah. I did. He looks about 12.
He went on to explain how this would be totally worth it as they are so well-endowed. Oh My God. This is an OMG moment for sure. I am positive this qualifies.
"I am definitely intrigued...so you said you wanted to get married. How would that work with your son? This would all stop if  we got married, right? We should meet in person with your son to talk more." ....I intended to do nothing of the sort.
"Oh no. That would not stop at all. Its much more naughty when he's your step son". Holy shit. This had to be a joke. Or the "to catch a predator" people will be hunting me by the time I get ready for bed.  So 15 minutes go by with no response. I asked him if this was a  test or if he changed his mind. 10 minutes later he delete this profile and no record of any emails or any profile remains.

Ha! The joke could be on me. Or not. Hard to know. No one has been knocking down my door to raid my Internet history yet.


Be Careful Out There!!

Douchebag #1: Mr. Cairo

Dating can be so so difficult when all the eligible fish in the ocean are dwindled down to some small stock in a large or even medium lake. I take the back. Small pond. Yes, more of a small pond for the eligible guys for me: minimally educated, fully monogamous and heterosexual, tall, good teeth, open minded, considerate, funny, full of integrity and honesty, non-420 (yes, I live in Colorado), non-alcoholic....there must be more, but the other qualities are not coming to mind at this moment.

So when I went on OKCupid to try my hand at this option several years ago, I found a very select few nice guys. They were not for me, but nice enough for someone who likes grow men smoking pot, living rent free in basements and loving it, between careers, between jobs even.....THEN I 'met' Mr. Cairo just a few short months ago in December.  Mr. Cairo lives in Boulder, CO, or so he says. I briefly emailed back and forth on the site and then  we texted on our phones. Then I didn't hear from him for a few days; no biggie. Then he reappears and we set a date for about a week right before Christmas 2015. We were supposed to meet that Sunday, the week of Christmas. The evening before he states he needs to go to Cairo (not Georgia, not Illinois, not New York, but TRULY the land of pharaohs and pyramids) on business THAT night right after his business meeting in Boulder that he had told me about. He said he would be gone 2-3 weeks at the most and did not want to lose contact with me. Great. That didn't seem too bad. Right after the holidays, he would be back and all would be grand. I was thinking that's not too far off and we can text as he said that he would text every day. Fabulous.

We texted pretty much every day. We even started talking on the phone, coordinating good phone call times with the nine hour  difference. The reception was horrible We had to repeat ourselves. I will now admit full heartily that I really liked this British guy. He said he was from Manchester, England and he holds two passports, US & UK. He said he owns his home in Boulder, CO and lives close by two his children, two teens: a girl and a boy. He's been divorced some years and that's always a plus as newly divorced drama is too much for me. We learned about each other and never once did he ask me anything inappropriate that most guys do. The two to three weeks passed so quickly. Then I started asking a lot more questions.

Advance a month (mid-January 2016): It has now been a month and the road blocks are coming up. While he is telling me he'd love to take me to Mexico of my PTO in February, he just can't seem to get away.  I do understand that offering to take a stranger to Mexico after a month and  no actual  physical meeting seems odd, dangerous, red-flag raising. I got caught up in the moment and actually for a minute thought this was  a viable and reasonable way to spend some PTO time. With a total stranger that has two passports that I have never met.  A man currently in Cairo with no clear return date.  I came back to earth shortly after that, several weeks even. A bit too long for my personal liking, in retrospect. Being taken in by this invitation came slightly before his new road block that i am about to tally about. Then a week or two later, another road block about tariffs for some construction in Cairo (where he is working and has his own apartment but no car). This gets resolved, but for the first time in weeks, I don't hear from him for several days; you think this is not a big deal for long distance with him being in Cairo after all. For us, it was very odd. We talked or texted every single day.  After the weekend, a new road block comes up after he got the tariff. Now he has to raise 50K dollars  "or so" to buy some machines; then everything "will be done" and he can come "home"  to Boulder. At this point, red flags have been clearly  raised. Flying sky high. The more I ask, the less answers I find. Things are NOT adding up. He has said he put 500K dollars into this project to get more than 1.3 million dollars back.

I started doing a little research on this man. He put up a Face Book page w/ nothing  on it but his photos and a nickname after I asked why there is nothing I can google on him. It's his picture, but no other posts. Nothing. He has no links or hits when I google him. By our age (he's a few years older than  my 46 years), I expect we can google someone and there will be some reference to something. NOTHING. I even looked up Cairo construction projects and did not see a bunch over the Dec/January 2016 time period. He has NO proof of ownership of a home under the name he gave me.  The assessor's office has public records, but to no avail. I couldn't find any hits on the people finder websites either that matched the name he told me. I know he lived in Michigan and California previously. Nothing.  Things started to send up flags at every turn.  

Advance to the beginning of February 2016: he is now hoping to be home by the time I go on my PTO in February, but states he is having a hard time getting back. Weeks later, he is still talking about finding people for the 50K that he needs to get back "home" to Boulder. By now, I just said "I surely hope you are not going to ask me". He said " I'd never ask you for that". By the weekend of February 14th, I am hearing from him less and less and texted him 2/14 how disappointing it was not to hear from him. On Valentine's Day. Yes,  I texted many times. I  am fully culpable. This is after a period of time we texted and talked on the phone every day. Nothing now, within about a week after it was clear I was not giving him a cent. Then a few days later on 2/17, he texts me "Hey babe. Are you there. Are you getting this".  I texted him many times to check as reception can be pretty crappy. I give him the benefit of the doubt for that reason ALONE. I then thought as he texted me that day at around 9pm or so his time, he may have fallen asleep, with his 10-12hours days and all. So I text a bit more the next day. Nothing. Yes, I should have definitely stopped there.  One more text on 2/24/2016 and you guessed it: Nothing. 

That was my last text to him. I will be honest. This was  so disappointing. I honestly felt that because he wasn't asking me for explicit information about me, no monetary conversations other than his own business needs, no demands for phones and laptops and iTunes cards like others have tried to scam me in the past, he seemed okay. Until things weren't. Until I just couldn't get past the fact he couldn't verify his identity in any real way at all beside some half-assed FaceBook page with his nickname only.  It was truly a let down. I think he tried the most perfect scam. The others didn't invest time or effort with their obvious scams; they made demands pretty quickly (within a week or two, which I didn't fall for then or now). His was a pretty perfect scam. Let her really like me and offer me the money. Let her come to me with offers to get me "home" to Boulder. 

I want to say his name. I know it has to be fake. I know there is nothing verifiable about this name after a google search and searches on three different people search sites. I think the reason I am going to tell you his name is that if he is enough of a douchebag to try to scam another intelligent woman who will google his name, maybe this will come up on a search for them and they can know the truth. 

Or maybe it is just me that believed some of this crap before it stopped really adding up.

I could be the idiot. Writing this definitely felt good, though!

His name (as given to me): James Austen

A Tale of Two Douchebags: How do I begin?

So how do I begin this tale? I promised myself I would be honest. I tried to consider a better word than douchebag. I even consulted the thesaurus for a more suitable substitute. It turns out there is no substitute deserving of these two men. I like guys, truly, I do. It is usually what gets me in trouble; this is no kind of man-hating rant. I am going to just tell the story of an attempt to meet and date a guy who seemed perfectly awesome, then turned into a potential scam. The second experience I had (douchebag #2 for the lack of a better word) was a different animal altogether. I will try to share both with the utmost of honesty and anonymity, all at the same time.

I am hoping that women my age all around this planet will have better luck than I did with these two! I am almost positive that these two are so unique, one could not have any other type of luck.  Like i said, I will leave out names and overly identifying information, but some information defines my experience and must no the be left out.